Metal Gear:In da Hood
by C Dink
Summary: A story about all the metal gear characters caught up in a huge turn of events that escalate till everything sucks. Partially Cowritten with Ocelot1092. Complete. RR.
1. How it all began

**Disclaimer: I don't own Metal Gear, or anything elseI might mention in this story**

**Metal Gear:**

**In Da Hood **

**By: C Dink**

Chapter One: How it all began

(One day Otacon and Snake are watching tv when a commercial comes on)

Snake: So what do you want to do today Otacon?

Otacon: Eh,I got to go to court.

Snake: For what?

Otacon: I peed my pants.

Snake: That's against the law?

Otacon:I t is when you do it in public...with no pants.

Snake: Oh, That completely makes sense...I suppose

(Suddenly Raiden bursts in)

Raiden: Hey guys.

Snake: How did you get into my house?

Raiden: Snake, this is a sitcom, everyone leaves there door unlocked so anyone can barge right in without knocking

Snake: Whatever.

Raiden: Well on to the reason I came over;Otacon good luck with your case.

Otacon: How did you know about that?

Raiden: I read it.

(He points a few sentences up)

Otacon:AHHH! YOUR BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL!

(He runs out of the house)

Snake: What an idiot!

Raiden: Uh, whatever, wanna go harass people?

Snake: No way, i'll never spend a day with you again, not after what happened last time.

Raiden: Snake, How was i supposed to know you werent supposed to eat those kid's cereal

Snake: Hey, back up...your trying to tell me you came over here just to wish him good luck on his case

Raiden: Well,originally yes, but now i want to go harass people.

Snake: Okay fine we'll go, but you better not get us beat up by chinese kids again

Raiden: Snake, drop it,I was hungry and wanted cereal.

Snake:S o you steal the cereal from kids? Kids who could easily kill us?

Raiden: Please let's just move on before one of us has a random outburst like that last one

Snake: Fine, let's go get Ocelot.

Raiden: Why?

Snake: He enjoys harassment.

Raiden: Oh.

(They leave for Ocelot's house)

_Meanwhile at court_

Judge: So Mr.Emmerich, you are charged with possession with intent to sell?

Otacon: No

Judge: Premeditated murder?

Otacon: No

Judge: Uh..Driving under the influence?

Otacon: No

Judge: Shoplifting?

Otacon: No

_Back to Raiden and Snake_

(They arrive at Ocelot's place)

Raiden: Good ring the doorbell

Snake: No, you

Raiden: I'm not doing it, that guys crazy

Snake: Which is why i don't want to do it!

(Ocelot comes out)

Snake: Ocelot, funny running into you here

Ocelot: This is my house,and what are two fruitcakes like you doing at my house anyway?

Raiden: We wanted to know if you wanted to harass people with us?

Ocelot: Might as well

Snake: Good.Let's start at thestore.

Raiden: Oh!Are we gonna poke fat chicks?

Snake: No, I need shampoo

Ocelot: Oh, good I need some more adult diapers.

(They both shoot looks at Ocelot)

Ocelot: Uh, I mean...huh, i really have nothing,... i guess i ran out of overused cover ups for things not meant to be said.

Raiden: Um..Whatever.

Snake: Lets just get going.

(They load up in snakes car)

_What's going on at court?_

Judge: Arson?

Otacon: No

Judge: Grand theft auto?

Otacon: No

Judge: I'll get it in a minute, I know it

Otacon: Im sure you will.

_Well thats boring, let's move on_

(Snake and the gang arrive at the store)

Raiden: Okay Snake, get your shampoo, then we have to go harass people

Snake: Fine

(They walk off, to the hair-care products)

Snake: Here it is strawberry shampoo, my favorite

Ocelot: Good, now let's go

Raiden: Well..Since were here..

Ocelot: Home-entertainment section?

Raiden:You read my mind!

Snake: let's rock!

(They jet there way to the home-entertainment section)

Ocelot: Hey guys, look, hurry!

Snake: What is it boy?

Ocelot: Im not a dog you idiot.

Raiden: Cut to the chase, what did you want?

Ocelot: Can i borrow twenty bucks?

Snake: For what?

Ocelot: Napoleon Dynomite on UMD.

Raiden: What a waste of money.

Ocelot: No it isnt, it's a movie on the go!

Snake: Fine,Whatever,here.

(He hands Ocelot the money)

Ocelot: Thanks

(Ocelot walks up to the register to pay for it, and there he finds..Johnny Sasaki)

Ocelot: Johhny? Johnny Sasaki is that you?

Johhny: Yeah, it's me

Ocelot: Wow..so your working at Wal-Mart now?

Johhny: Yeah.

Ocelot: Oh...well, thats wonderful...that thats working out for you and everything.

Johnny: Yeah

Ocelot: So..I'm gonna pay for my stuff now.

Johnny: Yeah, sounds like a good idea to me.

(Ocelot pays for his stuff)

Johnny: Have a nice day

Ocelot: you to

(Ocelot walks back over to Snake and Raiden)

To Be Continued...

Authors Note:Hey, sorry this chapter was a little short, if people like it, I'll wright more, don't worry, there's gonna be a plot, I'll get to it in the next few chapters


	2. Now It's getting interesting

**Disclaimer: I don't own Metal Gear, or anything else I might mention in this story**

**Metal Gear:**

**In Da Hood **

**By: C Dink**

Chapter Two: Now it's getting interesting

AU: This chapter is going to be the first to have swear words,I hope you all enjoy it, remember if you read please review,I accept non-signed reviews, so there's no excuses.

Announcer: When we last left our gang of Dumbasses, Ocelot met with Johnny Sasaki.Meanwhile Otacon is fighting his charges of public urination and streaking.

Ocelot: Okay, I got what I need, let's go.

(Johnny runs up to the gang)

Johhny: Hey.Can I come with you guys?

Raiden: Sure you...

Ocelot: No he can't

Snake: Ocelot, be nice.

Ocelot: Hell no, I hate that dumbass

Johnny: You...You do?

Ocelot: Of course I do.

Raiden: I can tell already Ocelot's going to be the one that swears for no reason

Ocelot: Damn right I am.

Snake: Let him come, if anything to add to the comedy.

Ocelot: Fine, but im going to hit him...a lot

Raiden: So..let's go back to harassing people.

Snake: No, that was in the last chapter.

Johnny: AHHH! YOUR BREAKING THE...

(Ocelot punches him in the face)

Ocelot: Don't ever do that again

Raiden: Alright then, what do we do now?

Snake: I don't know.

(Snake's codec rings)

Otacon: Snake,I have some bad news.

Snake: What is it,Otacon?

Otacon: I have a life sentence!

Snake: What?

Otacon: Yeah.The judge couldn't figure out what I did, so he just figured it was bad and gave me a life sentence.

Snake: Well don't worry, I'll get you out of this!

(Snake hangs up)

Snake: Okay guys, we have to bust Otacon out of the slammer

Raiden: Yes!Some action

Johnny: But then we could get arrested.

Snake: Only if we get caught.

Ocelot: your a clever little bastard aren't you?

Snake: Yeah...I am aren't I

Johnny: Okay fine, I'll do it

Ocelot: Hell yeah!Let's do it!

Snake: Ocelot, your cussing too much, your gonna bump our rating up if you don't stop it.

Ocelot: Shove it mullet man

Snake: Im going to pretend thatI didn't here that, let's go

(They run to snake's car)

_Otacon in jail_

Guard: Okay Emmerich, this is your cell.

(Otacon walks in)

Man: Ah, new meat..what do they call you?

Otacon: My name's Hal, but they call me...

Man: YOUR NAME IS TOBY!

Otacon: Um..okay

Man: SO WHATS YOUR NAME?

Otacon: My..my name's Toby.

Man: Good

(Otacon walked over to a man in the corner of the cell)

Otacon: Hey

Man#2: When they come for you...don't scream...just don't scream.

Otacon:Um..okay

(Otacon gulped)

_Snake's gang_

(Snake and his crew are on the way to the jail)

Ocelot: Do you think we'll get there before the others get to him?

Snake: What do you mean?

Ocelot: You've never been in jail?

Snake: No

Ocelot: Lucky

Johnny: Wow, you've been...well you know..

Ocelot: Suck it johnny!

Johnny: What I do in my free time is none of your business!

Raiden: You sick, sick son of a bitch!

Snake: Everyone shut up, were here

(They rush inside)

Guard: Hey sir? what are you doing here?

Raiden: We want to see our friend Otacon!

Guard: Who?

Snake: Hal Emmerich.

Guard: Hmmm.Fine, sit down

(They sit and wait, and Otacon comes out.He picks up the phone)

Otacon: Good.Your here, you don't know what happened to me in there!

Johnny: I think Ocelot can feel your pain...literally

Ocelot: Shut up!

Snake: Look, I have something for you.

Ocelot: Yes.But you'll get that in a moment

Otacon: Okay.When are you gonna...

(He looks around.)

Otacon(whisper):..Break me out?

Snake: We'll get to that...Trust me..when you get whatI gave them to give you...you'll know.

Otacon:Okay..I have to go now.

(Otacon leaves, and snake and the gang go outside)

Raiden: We need a car that can hold more people.

Snake: We need a van!

Johnny: I know someone who's selling one, You guys wait here

(Johnny leaves)

Ocelot: Good, so Snake what's your plan?

Snake: You'll see.

_Back to Otacon_

Otacon: Snake is an idiot!

Man: Why what happened?

Otacon: He gave me ketchup!

(The man takes the ketchup)

Man: And you gave it to me.

Otacon: Er..okay

_Hope Snake is doing okay_

Raiden: When is Johnny going to come back?

(Suddenly a hippie van pulls up, and out comes Johnny)

Ocelot: You got this?

Johnny: yeah cool,huh?

Snake: Uh, yeah, let's go bust him out!

(They run up to the wall of the jail)

Snake: Okay guy's...let's do this!

_The jail cell_

Man: So what are you in for?

Otacon: Oh, me?I uh...brutally killed a man!

Man: Heh.Something tells me your lying

(Suddenly gunshots are heard and someone screaming "Suck it")

Otacon: There here!

(Snake,Ocelot,Johnny,and Raiden show up in front of the cell)

Snake: Otacon!

Otacon: Let's get out of here!

Snake: Okay!Did you like the giftI left you?

Otacon: No..you gave me ketchup?What was it for? To help break me out?

Snake: No, for you to eat,I thought you might be hungry

Man:Wait a minute?Mary? is that you

(Ocelot covers his face)

Johnny: Ocelot? is this your "friend" you met in jail.

Ocelot: You know how closeI am to killing you?

Otacon: Forget that, let's just go

(The wholegang run outside.)

Otacon: Is that our car?

Snake: Yeah, get in.

(They load into the car and drive off)

_At the cell_

Man: I want to kill those guys!Man#2, let's go

Man#2: Okay.

Man: From now on, you call me Kansas, and you'll be Toto.

Toto: Okay

Kansas: Okay, let's follow them

(They leave)

_To be continued..._

AU:Okay, I feel this chapter was a little betterI think, but thats all up to my fans.I thank all of you who reviewed my story so far, and I hope more review in the future


	3. Road Trip

**Disclaimer: I don't own Metal Gear, or anything else I might mention in this story**

**Metal Gear:**

**In Da Hood **

**By: C Dink**

Chapter Three: Road Trip

Announcer: What...What the hell, I wanted mustard you ass...Oh, hey, didn't see you there.So..anyway, Snake and the gang freed Otacon's sorry ass from prison,now they have fleed to another state!Meanwhile, Kansas and Toto are hot on there tail!Why?Because it's just something to do.Who knows whats gonna happen?Actually, I do...but you don't,SO SUCK IT!

(Snake and the gang are driving down the road, trying to find somewhere to go)

Snake: So,where are we supposed to go?

Ocelot: How about a strip club?

Snake: I was talking about somewhere to live.

Ocelot: So was I.

Johnny: Be serious Ocelot, we have to find somewhere to live,We broke someone out of prison, and stole a car!

(Snake slams on his brakes and Raiden hitsthe the back of his front seat)

Snake: What?

Johhny: How do you think we got the car?

Snake: I thought you bought it?

Johhny: Hell no, I don't have any money.

Ocelot: Damn, you are a really stupid person.

Snake: So now we might face even more jail time?

Ocelot: Yeah, he's a dumbass

Johnny: I am not.

Ocelot: Spell cat.

Johnny: Um..Could you use it in a sentence?

Ocelot: I rest my case.

Otacon: We all know he's a dumbass, let's get to things that are more important.

Snake: He's right...we need a place to stay!

(Raiden wakes up)

Raiden: Hey! We can stay at mine and Rose's summer home!

Snake: Great!..Wait, how can you afford a summer home?

Raiden: Well, Rose is a Hooker on the side.

Otacon: Yeah, and she's all over the internet!

Raiden: Yeah, and it gives us plenty of...Wait how do you know that Otacon?

Ocelot: Yeah..how do you know?

Otacon: Uh...I guessed?

Ocelot: Oh..that was smooth.

Raiden: Whatever...but were only a couple hours away.

Johnny: Off to the summer home!

_Uh-Oh It's Kansas and Toto_

(Kansas and Toto are on there way to a friends house,There mission?Who knows)

Toto: So what are we doing anyway?

Kansas: I think you know!

Toto: No I don't

Kansas: Oh this is just another one of your crazy ideas

Toto: What the hell are you talking about?

Kansas: Good, were almost there!

Toto: Almost where?

Kansas: Were going to...

Toto: Quit adding to suspense and tell me.

Kansas: Solid Squirrel's house!

Toto: Who's that?

Kansas: Someone with the same mission as us!

Toto: Which is?

Kansas:To kill all the Metal Gear Solid characters!

Toto: Why?

Kansas: So we can be the stars!

Toto: Oh.

Kansas: Hahahahahahahahahahah...laugh..hahahahahaha!

Toto: he..hehe

Kansas: Laugh like a man!

Toto: Hahahahahahaha!

Kansas: Good

_Back to Snake_

(Snake and his people are making there way to Raiden's summer home, Johnny and Raiden are asleep in the back)

Ocelot: So what are we supposed to do when we get there?

Snake: Start life over I guess.

Ocelot: That sucks. I had a good life.

Johnny: You live alone and kidnap people and torture them.

Ocelot: It's a good life for me!

(Suddenly they here police sirens)

Snake: Crap! We don't have the registration!

(Ocelot opens the glove box)

Ocelot: Odd, it's in the glovebox, Who put's there registration there?

Snake: Oh,I just didn't look is all, orI probably would have seen it.

Ocelot: Whatever helps you sleep at night, asshole

(The cop walks up)

Cop: Sir, do you know whyI pulled you over?

Snake: No, not at all

Cop: Actually, im randomly pulling people over to check if there car is stolen.

Snake: Okay.

Cop: Is this a stolen car?

Snake: No.

Cop: That's good enough for me, have a nice day.

(The cop walks off)

Ocelot: That was easy.

Snake: I hope thats the only run in with the law we have!

(They pull forward and run into the cop car)

Snake: Crap, did he see us?

Ocelot: No...Keep going, he's only in the car

Snake: Good.

(They drive off)

Snake: Ah, were running low on gas.

(Snake pulls into a gas station)

Snake: Ocelot, pump the gas whileI pay.

(Snake walks in the gas station and bumps into..Sam Fisher)

Sam: Oh..Snake..how's it going?

Snake: Fine, My newest game didn't suck..you know like yours did.

Sam: Hey Chaos Theory was good!

Snake: Whatever!

(Snake pays for the gas)

Sam: It wasn't!

(Snake returns to the car)

Ocelot: Okay...let's go

(They drive off, towards the summer home)

Ocelot: I still think the strip club would be better to live in.

Snake: Hey, I already have Fox-Die, I don't need any more diseases

Ocelot: Whatever!

Snake: Were almost there, just shut up

Ocelot: Good,I need a good bath

Snake: Yeah, an acid bath

Ocelot: What was that?

Snake: I said... a bath with lots of bubbles.

Ocelot: Riiiight.

Snake: Alright were here! Raiden, Johnny wake up!

Johnny: Are we here?

Raiden: Yep. This is it!

Snake: Well, let's go make it our new home.

_To be continued..._

AU: Well, I like that I have some fans out there, and I hope you enjoy the rest of my story, It's getting hard writing them this long,Thats why this one is a little shorter than my last, but longer than my first, and this one didn't have as much funny moments, this chapter was for bringing in the story, but...as always, keep it real


	4. A New Life

**Disclaimer: I don't own Metal Gear, or anything else I might mention in this story**

**Metal Gear:**

**In Da Hood **

**By: C Dink**

Chapter Four: A New Life

AU: Okay guys, finnally an update, this particular chapter was co-written with Ocelot1092 an it's a funny one, and now there will be more updates, but the chapters will be shorter, but i think it'll be ok, well i'll let you read, enjoy!

Announcer:When we last left our band of retards, they fled to raidens summerhome, meanwhile Kansas and Toto were hot on their trail, lets see what happens

Snake: Okay Raiden, get the keys and lets go in.

Raiden: keys?

Snake: yes, get them so we can go inside...

Raiden: I don't have keys

Snake: who does?

Raiden:I don't know..probably the guy that owns the place...

Ocelot: Are you fucking serious?

Johnny: I thought this was your summer home?

Raiden: it was until the owner changed the locks...I know, we can go to my house-boat!

Snake: Let me guess, you dont have the keys to it either?

Raiden: no, the keys are right here, its just I dont have a house-boat

Johnny: I can't beleive I stole a van for this...and I was almost manager at Wal-Mart too...

Ocelot: stop being so gay!

(Punches johnny, then a man comes out of the house)

Man: Mary is that you?

Ocelot: It's Ocelot dammit

Snake: Solidus!

(Peers at snake)

Solidus: Susan?

Ocelot: I thought you said you haven't been to jail?

Snake: I haven't...,Uh Solidus we need a place to hide from the cops, can you help us?

Solidus: sure you can stay in my house-boat, there isjust one problem.

Snake: Whats that?

Solidus: I don't have a house-boat...

Ocelot: Is everyone such a dumbass?

Solidus: well I guess since I don't have a house-boat you can stay here...

Snake: good, lets make ourselves at home

Solidus: yeah go right ahead, invade my home,I don't care

Johnny: Will do...

Ocelot: I think he was being sarcastic

Johnny: you think so?

Ocelot: God your fucking stupid

Johnny: don't make fun of god!

Ocelot: I rest my case.

_MEANWHILE, With Kansas and Toto..._

Toto: we almost there Kansas?

Kansas: Yup, Let's go see the squirrel...

(Kansas and Toto walk up to the door, and ring the bell.)

Squirrel: Kansas? Toto? What are you guys doing here?

Toto: how do you know our names?

Squirrel: Well considering the story does have public access and anyone with the internet could read it whenever, I feel I don't need to go into much further detail.So What do you want?

Kansas: we want what you want

Squirrel: 2 girls, one hot-tub...it's a small world now isn't it!

Toto: no we want to get rid of the metal gear cast so..

Squirrel: so we can be the stars!

Kansas: if you knew then why did you ask us?

Squirrel: to take up more lines...I'll help on one condition, you must call me, PLASMA SQUIRREL!

Kansas: ...

Squirrel: yup

Kansas: ...

Toto: Thats stupid.

Squirrel: It was all that was left!

Kansas:Why not a kickass name?

Squirrel: Kansas and Toto are kickass names?

Toto: Shut up, we'll just call you squirrel!

Squirrel: Fine, for now

Toto: Well now we got that settled, can I use your bathroom?

Squirrel: NO!...um...I mean...it's not my house...im just...uh...tieing up some loose ends...

(Vamp walks out of the house)

Vamp: Dinner is getting cold sweetheart!

Squirrel: I said stay in the house!

Vamp: I was getting lonely...

Squirrel: Get in the damn house!

(Vamp goes back inside)

Kansas: umm...yeah...we can work this out later.

_Snake and the Gang_

Solidus: so Mary, how have you been?

Ocelot: its O-C-E-L-O-T ocelot...i'm going to shoot the next person to call me Mary in the foot with my revolver.

(Johnny walks in)

Johnny: Hey Mary!

Ocelot: okay it's on...where's my revolver?

Solidus: it's in my pants...still...you know...from bed last night?

Ocelot: I said don't talk about that!

(Otacon walks in)

Raiden: say Otacon...where have you been? I haven't seen you all chapter...

Otacon: in my house-boat

Snake: You have got to be fucking kidding me...

Otacon: nope

Ocelot: you're lucky I don't get my revolver and shoot you in the foot...

Otacon: Oh yeah, I brought my friend I met at the bar last night...Fatman!

Johnny: You brought that retard

Ocelot: Yeah, why are you so fat?

Fatman: Because every time I bang your mother she gives me a cookie...BURN!

Snake: That was a good burn, congrats

Ocelot: Just end the damn chapter

_To be continued..._

AU:Well, if you thought this chapter was funny, it's because Ocelot helped me, and he'll be helping me on future chapters too I hope, so keep looking for more as always keep it real


	5. The Seperation

**Disclaimer: I don't own Metal Gear, or anything elseI might mention in this story **

**Metal Gear:**

**In Da Hood **

**By: C Dink**

Chapter Five: The Seperation

AU: Hey guys, okay im my opinion, this is the best chapter so far, it has so much in it we had to grande' size it..okay that was lame

Announcer: When we last left the fellowship of the shortbus...ah hell, fuck it, if you havn't read chapters 1-4 you shouldn't be reading this one, heare's the story

(Solidus's house)

Snake: Know what we should do?

Otacon: Break into spontaneous song and dance where eventhough it's made up everyone knows the choreography and lyrics perfectly?

Snake: Close! But I'll save that situation for chapter 8.

Ocelot: You better not be planning what I'm thinking.

Snake: I'm inviting my father and the Cobras to the summerhome!

Otacon: How was I close?

Ocelot: Not a good plan someones gonna get hurt!

Fatman: Funny thats what I said to your mother last night, ya know..in bed.

Johnny: That's no acheivment, everyone's been with her...even Mary!

Otacon: Seriously, how was I close, I wasn't even in the parking lot much less the ball park?

Ocelot: My names not Mary...that's it im getting my revolver!

Fatman: NO!

Solidus: YES!

(Everyone stares at him)

Solidus: Er...Oh no!

Snake: ...Uh, back to the subject, we should get Liquid and make this a family reunion!

Solidus: But he's in the andes mountains with Colonel Campell, we'll never get him here.

(Liquid pops up out of nowere)

All: WHAT THE FUCK!

Liquid: How the hell did I get here?

Otacon: Plot devices my friend..plot devices.

(Ocelot shoots Otacon,he falls to the ground dead)

Ocelot: God damn he's annoying!

Snake: Holy hell!You shot him

(I appear)

C Dink: Hey asshole, that wasn't in the fucking script!

Ocelot: It's in my script.

C Dink: I guess I'll work with it.

(I disappear)

Fatman: He was a good man.

Snake:Im sure he'll rise from the fucking dead, everyone else does inthe Metal Gear universe, but anyway, Everyone not related to me get out!

Raiden: Why?

Snake: It's too hard to keep things interesting with so many people in one room.

Johnny: YEAH! I HAVEN"T SAID A WORD IN LIKE AN HOUR!

Raiden: Hey now, no need to get angry.

Johnny: Sorry im just bipolar..fuck,shit,damn,son of a bitch!

Raiden: ..Andyou havetourettes..

(He starts beating himself with a book)

Raiden:...And Pickman's syndrome

Johnny: Okay, I'm fine now

Snake: Man, and I thought Otacon was fucked up

Raiden: Well, now that we got that out of the way,what are we going to...

Johnny: FUCK!

Snake:...

Johnny:...

Raiden:...

Johnny:...

Raiden: Uh...right...so,what are we going to do?

Snake: Raiden, what do we always try to do?

Raiden: Go to Wal-Mart and make fun of the fat people?

(All the sudden The Brain pops up in the middle of the room)

The Brain: No Pinky, we must try to take over the world?

Raiden: Who's Pinky? And where did you come from?

The Brain: Sorry, wrong house.

(The Brain poofs away)

Snake: Umm...yeah Raiden, that's what we'll do!

Ocelot: I'm game.

Johnny: To the...FUCKING...van!

(At Wal-Mart)

Ocelot: Hey look! It's a fat chick!

Fat Chick: Hey look! It's Mary, the gay guy!

Snake, Raiden, and Johnny at once: Burn!

Ocelot: Is Ocelot gonna have to choke a bitch?

Fat Chick: Oh it's on now.

( 3 days later, Ocelot wakes up in a hospital )

Ocelot: Where the hell am I?

Announcer: Scroll up some Dumbass

Ocelot: Oh

Doctor: Good to see that your up, my name is Dr.Phil

Ocelot: Why am I here?

Dr.Phil: Some fat chick knocked your ass out...she must have taken your manhood!

Ocelot: Where's my penis?

Dr.Phil: Oh, she took that too.

Ocelot: Oh for the love of...

Dr.Phil: I'm going to have to perform a sex change operation so you can urinate

Ocelot: Can't you give me another penis?

Dr.Phil: If you can find a donor within the next 3 hours

Ocelot:...Are you joking

(Back to the summerhome, where Solidus is cleaning up)

Liquid: Man, why are you making me talk to my father,I hate that bastard.

Snake: Neither do I!

Solidus: me neither

Snake:...

Solidus:...

Liquid:...

(Wait a minute)

Kansas: I can't believe that asshole C Dink forgot about us.

Toto: ..Uh...kansas..

Kansas: I swear he's gonna get whats coming to him!

Toto: Um. he's including us right now

Kansas: Oh..heh..ackward moment..

(back to Ocelot, whose been joined by Johnny, Fatman,and Raiden)

Fatman: Well...Ha, you lost you're nutsack

Ocelot: Atleast I have one fatass

Raiden: Had!

Johnny: Oh! Fucking burn.

Ocelot: Go fornicate yourself with a cactus

Fatman: Been there, done that.

All:...

Fatman: Uh...

_TO BE CONTINUED_

_AU:Okay, I hope you guys all liked this chapter, we worked hard on it, review please and as always..stay cool_


	6. Family Reunion

**Disclaimer: I don't own Metal Gear, or anything elseI might mention in this story **

**Metal Gear:**

**In Da Hood **

**By: C Dink**

**Chapter 6: Family Reunion**

AU:Well I have not updated in awhile..oh well, this chapter is mostly by myself, so I hope you enjoy it just as much as the last few.

Announcer: HAHAHA Ocelot lost his jewels.

(Ocelot,Raiden,Johnny,and Fatman are waiting in the hospital)

Johhny: you need a MOTHER FU...

(Fatman hits him with a frying pan)

Fatman: Your gonna have to stop that right now!

Johnny: Sorry, i'll go take my meds.

(Johnny leaves)

Fatman: He's a freakin wierdo..so what are you gonna do about your lack of pride

Ocelot: Perhaps I can take Liquids?

Raiden: nah, you already have his arm.

Fatman: I know..Vamp is willing to give his up..he's getting a sex-change anyway.

Ocelot: Really..I'll have to give him a call.

(Ocelot calls vamp over codec)

Vamp: This is KRYW your on the air

Ocelot: Um..Vamp?

Vamp: Yes

Ocelot: Oh, hey..um i kinda need your..um..little vamp

Vamp: Oh..you mean the count?

Ocelot:Whatever. Look, i don't know if we're the same blood type..

Vamp: Well that night in Hong Kong should've done the trick on that.

Ocelot: Hey man keep it down

Vamp: My bad...

Ocelot: Just get over here and give me your...thing.

(They end the call)

Ocelot: Ok, now we play the waiting game.

Fatman: You do, im going to get Johnny and we're going drinking..we're  
gonna pick up so many chicks.

(He Leaves)

Raiden: Don't worry, im right here with you.

Ocelot: Oh God!

_Back at the Summerhome_

Liquid: All this cleaning is making me mad.

Snake: Reminds me of something...

Solidus: What?

Snake: I should bring my Kenny G christmas album over here.

Liquid: ...I should shoot you in the bloody face you know that?

Solidus: Both of you shut up..Big Boss will be here any min..

(There's a knock at the door)

Snake: Nice Timing.

(Snake gets the door)

Big Boss: Hey Everyone.

(The crowd cheers like crazy)

Big Boss: What the hells that?

Snake: I don't know..it's never hapened before

(They both draw AK-47's)

Snake: Let's kill these freaks.

(I appear)

CDink: No..It's the crowd.

Snake: Whered they come from?

CDink: They just showed up...

Crowd: Go Burt Reynolds!

Big Boss: Thats it...

CDink: Calm down...just relax..keep it real.

Big Boss: Im cool, im cool

(The Cobras walk in )

The Boss: Hello everyone.

(The crowd roars the Pain,Fury,and Fear walk in)

Crowd: AHH...THERES FACES ARE SO...UGLY!

(The End and The Sorrow walk in)

Crowd: Hey look, it's Casper and FDR

(Many gunshots and screams are heard)

CDink: Great...there goes my audience

(I Dissapear)

Solidus: Dad!

Big Boss: Your no son of mine...just look at you..uglier than the devil himself.

Sorrow: He looks just like you.

Big Boss: Feel like dying tonight?

Sorrow: Been there done that.

_Back at the hospital  
_

(Ocelot and Vamp are in Ocelots room, which is now shared by Vamp)

Ocelot: Wow, I feel much better..a little smaller than im used too, but it'll do.

Vamp: Yeah im really glad I went ahaed with it too bad i couldn't go ahead with my other operation.

Ocelot: Woah, keep that to yourself.

Vamp: Sorry...so wheres Fatman Johnny and Raiden.

Ocelot: Um...

_At the bar _

(Fatman and Johnny sit there with beers in hand)

Johnny: Do you think mixing alcohol with my tourettes meds is a good idea?

Fatman: It's fine..it's your bipolar meds you should be worried about.

Johnny: Great...

Fatman: Ok..im gonna go pimp on those fine mommas over there, don't spit  
salt in my game homie, aight?

Johnny: Um...sraight up?

Fatman: Word!

(Fatman walks over)

Fatman: Ladies!

Girl #1: WOW! your a fat man!

Fatman: Oh, I see you've heard of me.

Girl l#2: Wow, is your friend alright?

(He looks over to see Johnny convulsing on the floor)

Fatman: Damn, I knew it cramp my style.

(Fatman walks over and starts kicking him)

Fatman: WAKE UP!

(Raiden walks in)

Raiden: FATMAN!

Fatman: Overused them there exclimation points..are you drunk

Raiden: your punctuation makes me wanna vomit.

Fatman: you sure it's not the alcohol.

Raiden: It might be...

(Johnny wakes up)

Johnny: FUCKKKKKKKK

Raiden: I see his meds wore off.

Fatman: Im getting you two home.

Raiden: trying to seduce me, eh?

Fatman: Would that be so bad.

Raiden:...

Johnny: what the hell?

(They walk outside to see...Otacon...)

Otacon: hey guys

Fatman: Otacon!

Johnny: FUCKKKKKKKKKK yeah

Raiden: Oshmoshcar

Otacon: Yeah...

(Suddenly two police cruisers pull up)

Officer #1: Yeah Jim, These are the guys

(Points at Fatman)

Officer: Your that bomb guy

Fatman: Welllllllll

(Points at Raiden)

Officer: Your that one guy.

Raiden: What?

(Points at Johnny)

Officer: You stole that hippy van

Jim: you misspelled hippie

Officer: Shut the fuck up!

(Points at Otacon)

Officer: You wrote that hit song Imagine, and married Yoko Ono

Otacon:...

Officer: Your all under arrest.

(Otacon Shoots Him)

Otacon: Bring it on Bitches

_To Be Continued_

_AU: Hey guys, these next few chapters are gonna be more serious..but im brimming with creativity..so watch out _


	7. The Plot Thickens

**Disclaimer: I don't own Metal Gear, or anything elseI might mention in this story **

**Metal Gear:**

**In Da Hood **

**By: C Dink**

Chapter 7: The Plot Thickens

AU: Yes..it truly does thicken, im winding this story down..so don't look for too many more chapters..but don't you worry yet though

Announcer: Damn...For once I have nothing witty to say...shut up.

(Vamp walks into squirrel's house)

Squirrel: Where have you been, I've been worried sick!

Vamp: But I...

Squirrel: No buts..

(Toto Walks In)

Toto: Now what you were screaming last night?

Squirrel: Asshole...so anyways you better have a damn good excuse Vamp.

Vamp: I had to give Ocelot my...well I gave him the Count.

Squirrel:...what the hell...

Toto:...

Kansas:...

Vamp: Whered you come from?

Kansas: Kitchen.

Vamp:...

Squirrel: So you gave him the only thing keeping you in my house?

Vamp: I thought you liked my company?

Squirrel: No, It was the sex.

Toto: what?

Squirrel: I mean the checkers...he's a darn good checkers player

Kansas: Right...

Squirrel: Wait! you know how liquid used to be able to control Ocelot before he took that Midol stuff?

Vamp: Yeah

Squirrel: Maybe you can do the same thing,and we can find out what there doing!

Kansas: Why not just read the story?

Squirrel:No,No. That'd be too easy.

_Oh yeah, Otacon shot a Policeman_

Raiden: Otacon!

Fatman: Oh My God!

Johnny: FUCK!

Otacon: Thats really getting old Johnny, get a gun..im tired of running.

Officer 2: Freeze all of you!

(Otacon throws a flash grenade, and the gang runs)

_The Summerhome_

(Ocelot walks in)

Ocelot: Hey guys. I thought the Cobras were coming?

Snake: They just left, my dad, The Boss and The Sorrow stayed.

Ocelot: I see

Liquid: Where the hell have you been?

Ocelot: Oh um...nowhere

Solidus: He lost his wang and had to have a transplant.

Ocelot: How the hell do you know?

Solidus: I read it.

Snake: Wow that joke is really getting old.

Big Boss: Ocelot! How's it going

Sorrow: Son!

Ocelot: What?

Sorrow: ...Of a bitch...I stubbed my toe

Ocelot: Oh.

(Otacon and the gang bust down the door)

Otacon: Guys we have to get out of here.

Snake: Why?

Police Over Loudspeaker: We have you surrounded!

Snake: Dammit Otacon!

Solidus: Well we're all wanted for this...there's a secret exit under the summerhome..we can escape

Snake: Now it sounds like Metal Gear!

Big Boss: Me,Boss,and Sorrow are innocent...we'll stay here.

Snake: Thanks dad.

(The gang escapes)

Big Boss: Whew...now there safe.

(They come out of the tunnel beside the freeway)

Snake: We need to split up...Ocelot,Liquid,Solidus..you're with me.Otacon you take Raiden,Fatman,and Johnny.

Otacon: You bastard...I got the freaks.

Snake: There your people, Otacon, and besides, I have Ocelot

Otacon: Fuck You.

Snake: Than it's settled.

(Snake's crew gets into the van, and leaves)

Otacon: Wait, what do we take?

(Otacon's crew gets into the BMW just sitting there)

(Otacon starts the car, and floor's the gas, but immediately wrecks into a tree.)

Johnny: Wow! isn't that a misfortune...

(Everyone stares)

Johnny: What...oh yeah...DAMNIT!

Raiden: Okay W.T.F. man? W.T.F...

Otacon: I should've mentioned that I don't have my driver's license.

Fatman: I'm gonna shove C4 down Johnny's throat, and then have a public viewing of Otacon doing his step mother.

Johnny: Why me?

Fatman: I was getting lucky last night, and you fucked it up with your whole charade...and now the cops are gonna catch us because the dipshit rocket scientist here can't drive a fucking car. Now what are we gonna take?

(They see a playground near by, with a gang of 5 year olds with tricycles and candy)

Otacon: Well, I can't drive a car, but you can bet your ass I can ride a tricycle. Instead of a car for my 16th birthday, I got one of those.

Raiden: Wait a second back it up, you did your mom? And you rode around on a tricycle when you were 16? You must've been popular.

Otacon: She seduced me! And I come from a poor family for your information. By the way didn't you use that same joke in chapter one Raiden?

Raiden: Damn you read that?

Otacon: I was in it…point is..I was poor

Johnny: That's what they all say. It never works though, I said that when I got in trouble for trying to buy a hooker dressed in a police uniform, which just so happened to be a cop.

Fatman: You are by far the dumbest person I've ever encountered.

Otacon: Let's beat the shit out of those kids and steal their phat rides before they go.

(Otacon and his crew beat the youngsters senseless, Fatman takes and eats their candy, and they all get on the "phat rides" and begin to take off. But then, as Fatman gets on, the back wheels snap and the tricycle collapses)

Fatman: Maybe I shouldn't have eaten all of those king sized butterfingers and gummy bears.

Raiden: What will you ride now?

Johnny: There is a red wagon on the back of mine, he can ride in it!

Otacon: Good idea, for once, smart thinking Johnny.

(Fatman gets in the wagon, and Johnny strains to pedal, but can't, and the red wagon collapses)

Johnny: FUCK

Fatman: Give it a rest Johnny, we know you're faking

Johnny: Now I wasn't faking having a mental problem, I was just angry

Fatman: Oh, well fuck it, I'll just skate along with you guys.

(Wheels pop out of the bottom of Fatman's shoes, and he takes off.)

Otacon:...

Raiden: W.T.F man.

Otacon: What is with you and that?

Raiden: I'm one of those preppy teens with long hair and do nothing but talk on my cell phone and instant messanger all day. It's my role to say some overused acronyms.

Otacon: Right...

(So they pedal to Otacon's boat-house to lay low for a while.)

_Meanwhile, with Snake's crew_

Liquid: Ok, Raiden just im'ed me, then called me while we were chatting.

Snake: What'd he say?

Liquid: Apparently Rose is being a bitch...and their gonna lay low at Otacons house boat.

Ocelot: Does he have keys?

Liquid: Hold on...He replied...oh shit.


	8. Grand Finale!

** Disclaimer: I don't own Metal Gear, or anything else I might mention in this story**

**Metal Gear:**

**In Da Hood **

**By: C Dink**

Chapter Eight: Grand Finale!

AU: Ok, This will be my last chapter on this story.but it's jam-packed!There will be a sequel,enjoy

Announcer: The gangs on the lamb again..you know...

(Snakes car)

Ocelot: So what are we gonna do for a whole chapter?

Solidus: Dance?

Snake: We'll save that for chapter 6..

Liquid: We're on chapter 8 you moron

(Snake stops the car)

Snake: What the hell are you talking about?

Liquid: Were on chapter 8.

Snake: Im gonna beat you off...

Liquid: What?

Snake: Your an asshole.

Liquid: What the fuck..you just said you were gonna beat me off.

Snake: No...that was you

_Otacon's Group_

Otacon: Im glad we stopped at a diner

Raiden: yeah..i don't think CDink's gonna use us anymore.

(I walk in)

CDink: Im not

(I leave)

_Snake's Group_

Snake: This is boring!!

CDink: Hey guys...im sort of running out of creativity...soo, lets wrap this up.

(Suddenly a huge Metal Gear appears in the street)

Snake: Good god!!What have you become,Father!!

Liquid: What are you babbling about?

Sanke: What?

Liquid: Thats not our father.

Snake: Beautiful observation Liquid,but lets be serious here.

Liquid:...

Ocelot: I'll take care of this!

(Ocelot throws a rock...missing completely...but the hatch still opens..and out comes Solid Squirrel)

Squirrel:Hahaha!!!

All: SOLID SQUIRREL!!!!

Squirrel: You are correct!

Solidus: Thank god, I thought this was gonna be a hard fight.

Squirrel: Hey, watch it...im coming down there.

(Squirrel jumps down to the ground)

Squirrel: Now your in for it

Liquid: You jumped down here just to say that?

Squirrel: Yeah

Liquid: So now your now here..unarmed instead of up there armed.

Squirrel:Yeah..I probably should have thought this one through a bit more.

Liquid: Your new to this villian thing aren't you?

Squirrel: Is it really that obvious?

Liquid: Yeah.Here's Evil For Dummies, it really helped me.

Squirrel: Wow,Thanks.

Snake: Ok, This isn't a book club...Squirrel...Your going down!

(They all pull out there guns and aim at Squirrel)

Squirrel: HAHAHAHAHA

Snake: What the hell's so funny.

Squirrel: Well your poor grammar for one.A question mark belongs there..not a period,dumbass.

Snake: CDink, of all your corny fourth wall jokes...that was the worst!

CDink: Your just mad you didn't think of it.

Snake: Damn, your right.

Squirrel:AHEM

CDink: Oh,right.Go on.

Squirrel: Thank you.Well it says here in the book that this is where I tell you my plan.

Snake: Just don't take a fucking hour like Liquid did.

Liquid: I remember that...good times

Snake: You tried to kill me.

Liquid: Right.

Squirrel: SHUT UP!Im telling my story

Snake and Liquid: Sorry.

Squirrel: I'll tell you my big plan...my big plan...is...too...

Ocelot: The suspense is killing me...tell me!

Squirrel: Become the star of the Metal Gear series!

(gasps all around!)

Snake: It's never happening, not you alone.

Squirrel: HAHAHA

(Suddenly Vamp,Kansas,and Toto appear.)

Liquid: Damn

Ocelot: Show of hands who saw that coming.

(Everyone including Squirrels gang raises there hand)

Squirrel: Yeah..we didn't plan this I was bluffing.

(Ocelot starts to freak out and then he starts to talk like Vamp)

Vamp-Ocelot: Sweet...I can control him!

Vamp: Hey, this is gonna be confusing.

Squirrel: Now it seems your outnumbered Solid Snake!

Snake: Damnit...I was never good with numbers.

Squirrel: Let's put these guns away...

Solidus: talk it out?

Snake: Solidus?you havn't talked all chapter.

Solidus: I Know...

Squirrel: No Fools!!!We shall fight hand to hand..atop METAL GEAR SQUIRREL!!!!

Liquid: This scenario sounds oddly familiar.

(They all begin to climb the Metal Gear)

_Back At The Diner_

Otacon: Snakes in trouble!

Raiden: Say no more.

(they run out of the diner, and see two cop cars)

Johnny: Let's kick some ass.

(They all pull out machine guns...don't ask me where they got them)

_Back to the Action_

Snake: Squirrel are you prepared to die?

Squirrel: Actually yes...not been the best day.

Snake: awww, what happened?

Squirrel: It came back positive..

Snake: Oh dear god!

Squirrel: Positive..for kicking your ass!

Toto: That was pretty lame chief.

Squirrel: Maybe..but the emotional attachment was what I was looking for.

Snake: You got it man, you had me going.

Squirrel: I know man you were all like...yeah.

Snake:Right

Toto:...

Kansas:...

Squirrel: So were having an akward pause?

Solidus:...

Vamp-Ocelot:...

Squirrel: yeah we are...I answered my own question.

Liquid:...

Vamp:...

Snake:...

Squirrel:...

(suddenly Liquid hits Vamp with a chair and the battle begins)

_Outside the diner _

(The gang has oddly enough already killed the cops)

Otacon: We killed all the cops!

Fatman: Boy is that odd.

(They pile into one of the police cars)

Otacon: Let's go out with a bang, Shall we?

Raiden: When did you get badass?

Otacon: The drugs are talking Raiden...the drugs.

(They drive toward the metal gear...which they know where it is..again don't ask me how...these guys are just that good)

_Back at the death fight_

(Snake and Squirrel are duking it out)

Snake: So tell me why you didn't just kill us with the Metal Gear?

Squirrel: No!

Snake: You wanted to test my physical power didn't you?

Squirrel: Hell no, the reason why is because I can't drive

(Otacon's gang arrives)

CDink: By god...this is out of control...what have I created!

(The brawl begins to swell)

CDink: Well im tired...time to wrap this up.

(Suddenly everything disappears, and the characters all just stand there.)

Squirrel: Where the hell are we?

Snake: CDink's mind!

Liquid: Shit, is this a metaphor?Like in the movies?

Solidus: Dammit CDink!You keep forgetting to give me lines!

Ocelot: Sweet, im back to normal!Where is CDink anyway?

Snake: He realizes it's not about him it's about us...so he left.

Otacon: How do you know?

Snake: It's what my mind told me.

Ocelot: Fag!

Liquid: That a way to break the mood!

(Snake darts awake in his bed)

Snake: What the hell?It was a dream?

(Snake gets up)

Snake: 1 A.M.

(Snake grabs a phone)

Snake: I was only asleep for...

(Ring,Ring)

Snake: You thought I was gonna say something suspenseful didn't you?

(Otacon picks up)

Otacon: Snake, It's 1 A.M., what do you want

Snake: Otacon, Were moving to the city!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_**THE END **_

AU: Theres my story guys...I hope you enjoyed it..even though i didn't type any into a word processor..well leave plenty of reviews,and not only am I working on a sequel..but im looking for some of my old metal gear short stories to post.

* * *

**_Goodbye for awhile,_**

**_ CDink_**


End file.
